When a Coach Loses Control: Understanding Emotional Outbursts on the Sidelines

The Act

It was a tense moment on the ice. A coach, watching dangerous plays go unnoticed, finally spoke up after a player was injured respectfully asking and questioning the severity of a penalty called by the referee. The previous missed calls had put players at risk with a player now hurt the frustration had been building quietly prior. Before any discussion could occur, the coach was ejected from the game. As they walked off the bench and into the stands, the emotions boiled over. The coach cursed repeatedly and used hand gestures in frustration, clearly losing control of their emotions.

The Why

Anyone who’s ever coached knows how this can feel. You’re not just running plays and calling lines; you’re trying to protect your players and keep things fair. When it feels like the officials aren’t repeatedly seeing what you’re seeing, the pressure builds fast. Passion, frustration, and care for the kids can sometimes tangle together in the worst possible way. 

Coaches are also people that do this in their "free" time. This means that outside factors can also mix with these emotions, such as lack of sleep, work constraints, other home/family factors in general and more. Situations like these can make people act in ways completely opposite of normal, by way of being a "spark" from prior events that cause stress.

What matters is what happens next.

A good coach owns it takes a breath, apologizes, and talks to their team about what went wrong. They explain that even adults lose their cool sometimes, but what defines you is how you respond afterward. Admitting fault, talking to the team and working to handle emotions better can turn a messy moment into a genuine teaching opportunity for everyone.

What Not To Do

Parents, other coaches, organizations, and players all have a role in responding constructively.

Parents should avoid turning the incident into gossip or character attacks. Venting in the stands, on group chats, or on social media only adds fuel to the fire and models the wrong behavior for kids. Instead of piling on, model empathy and understanding.

Other coaches should avoid distancing themselves with comments like “I’d never do that.” Moments like this call for empathy and support, not superiority. Quietly criticizing another coach behind their back undermines trust and doesn’t help the team, the other coach or the community.

The organization should not ignore what happened or dismiss it as “part of the game.” Failing to address the moment sends the wrong message to families and players. They also shouldn’t overreact with punitive measures without hearing all sides. Going to harsh on the coach can send the wrong message to the players and coaching staff, that mistakes are never forgiven and always penalized.

Players shouldn’t mock the situation, repeat the behavior, or use it as an excuse to disrespect authority. Kids often take cues from adults, so reinforcing negative behavior even jokingly can normalize it.

Handled poorly, the aftermath can fracture a team and the community; It can also have lasting mental consequences on the people involved. Handled well, it becomes a moment of growth for everyone.

What parents should do.

Parents can help too. Instead of letting that moment become gossip and backbiting, talk to your kids about it. Ask them what they noticed, how they felt, and what they think could have gone differently. Help them see that everyone, even coaches, have limits and that accountability with grace matter. Turning that uncomfortable scene into a conversation about composure and empathy can leave a bigger impression than the act itself.

Positive steps to turn it into a teaching moment.

Coach Reflection: After the game the coach should take a breather for 24-72 hrs. Then take the time to reflect on what triggered the outburst and identify ways to manage that stress in the future.

Coach Apology and Accountability: Issuing a sincere apology to players as soon as possible, acknowledging the behavior and explaining how it should of been handled better. After their reflection time do the same for parents, and officials.

Player/Team Discussion: Hold a conversation with the team to explain the situation in age-appropriate terms, highlighting lessons about handling frustration and respecting authority.

Parent Conversations: Parents should discuss the incident with their children, focusing on what can be learned about composure, accountability, and resilience. Teaching about forgiveness for mistakes is also paramount.

Implement Strategies: Introduce tools such as breathing exercises, or sideline communication plans to prevent similar incidents in future games. This is where having multiple coaches can kick in as one coach can step in to calm the other before it gets out of hand (A buddy system so to speak).

Follow-Up Review: After the next few practices or games, review progress and reinforce positive behavior, ensuring that lessons from the incident translate into long-term growth for all on the team.

The thing to remember most.

At the end of the day, youth sports are about helping kids grow. Learning how to compete, manage frustration, and bounce back when things get tough. When a coach loses control, it’s not the best moment, but it can be a meaningful learning moment.

We are all human with human reactions. We should all support each other instead of tearing people down.

Citation:

Carlson, G. A. et al. (2023). Impairing Emotional Outbursts: What They Are and What We Should Do About Them.  ScienceDirect

“When Emotional Brakes Fail” (Article)- Harvard Medicine Magazine. This article describes how under certain conditions (stress, fatigue, emotional overload), the brain’s regulatory systems can “fail,” leading to emotional “flare-ups” or outbursts in otherwise calm individuals. 

Kulper, D. A. et al. (2014). The experience of aggressive outbursts in intermittent contexts. PMC

Manor, N., & Tenenbaum, G. (2025). Reasons for swearing as a form of self-talk in sport and exercise: Development and validation of a new questionnaire. Behavioral Sciences, 15(5): 593. https://www.mdpi.com/2076-328X/15/5/593

“The Science of Swearing” (article) – Psychological Science Observer. This summarizes research showing that many uses of swearing are not harmful and can have positive outcomes in emotional regulation and communication.